Grief

(This was written on April 21st...just now publishing)

As I’m writing this, I’m still processing some very real emotions over my dad’s passing. In fact, earlier today I met with a Christian psychologist to help me deal with the tidal wave of grief that keeps washing over me. 

My dad has had health problems for years. He’s always overcome them—double hip replacements, in a coma for 9 days, a stroke, multiple falls, Parkinson’s disease, etc. But on April 12, just a few short days ago, his body was done fighting. He started bleeding around his heart after emergency pacemaker surgery. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I’m just devastated and missing him so much. 

Whenever I cry, Joy gets upset. She tells me to stop crying and, “Don’t be sad.” I know she doesn’t understand. She can’t make sense of why everyone is sad just like she can’t make sense of what is happening to her little body. 

Yesterday her hair started shedding everywhere—on her jammies, pillow, literally everywhere. Today it’s coming out in clumps. 

So I’m grieving my dad and I’m grieving what’s happening to her. Double the grief. Double the pain.

I know brighter days are ahead. I know a year from now, I probably won’t be feeling like I am in this moment.

But for today, I’m sitting in this grief. 

I’m also thanking God for giving me a wonderful dad and a brave three year old daughter.

I want to look back at this post weeks and years later and realize that God carried me through. I believe He will. I can’t do this apart from Him. 

In the meantime, here is what I'm learning about grief. A lot of this comes from a booklet from the funeral home.

• "Grief is like peeling an onion...it comes off one layer at a time and you cry a lot."

• A broken heart must be healed, not fixed. Grief is not an enemy. It is nature's cast to shelter a broken heart until it heals.

• In general terms, we need to allow at least two years to go through the whole grieving process. It may take more than that.

• Peaks of grief happen right before anniversaries of important dates. Also, most of the high peaks happen at night. Those are some of the toughest moments. 

• Feel what you feel. Let it out. 

• God is close to the brokenhearted.